The past 2 months
There is a lot to catch up on and the only way I know how to do this without turning this blog post into a book is by month and through a quick summary.
November
This was the worse month of my life. In the beginning of November while taking a shower my inner part of my upper right arm brushed against my breast I was scrubbing my neck. I felt something, something that didn't feel right. I found a small lump and I knew right away it was cancer. I've had cysts before and this felt different. My instincts were telling me something was terribly wrong. I made a doctor's appointment the next day and thus began my emotional roller coaster ride. She felt it was fibroids because it was just before my period, I had no family history of breast cancer and only 8 months previously I stopped breast feeding. Everything was in my favour. But to be on the safe side I was sent for a mammagram and ultrasound. A few days later the results came back and it looked "suspicious" and I was sent for a biopsy. My doctor still felt I would be fine. I knew in my heart it was cancer. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did after my doctor told me the the results. I knew when I was called into her office the results were positive. She told me to cry as much as I wanted, to get angry, to feel sorry for myself all weekend but as soon as Monday arrived I had to get ready to fight this. I had the most common type of breast cancer that is found in the milk ducts. However mine had the potential of spreading so the sooner I saw the specialist the better.
Within the week I met my specialist and my surgery for a lumpectomy and possible lymphoid removal was booked for December 12th. I would know the results before Christmas. Perfect, I wanted to know before Christmas so that I could enjoy Christmas.
Before that time I booked sessions with my yoga instructor and friend - Maureen to receive reiki healing treatments and with my nauthropath - Bill. My ying and yang, my balance to keep me positive and focused in fighting this disease. After all my crying I decided the only way to beat this thing was to think positive. I cannot tell you how much they have helped me and continue to help me. I'm convinced I healed quickly because of them and their influence on me. I began to develop a calmness that continues to help me.
December
I had a rough time coming out of general anaesthetic. I threw up in recovery so they gave me something for the nausea which made me too dopey. Then the nurse asked if I was in pain. I said no but she gave me morphine anyway. So having all three foreign and unwelcomed drugs in my body made me feel like shit and weak. This was day surgery but I'm sure I came close to staying overnight. I was determined to get out of there that night. The longer I stayed in the hospital the worse I felt. After coming home I had a rough couple of hours but after realizing any type of food or drink wasn't such a good idea for my stomach I started to feel better.
I had a drain and by Friday it was removed. I was healing well. I can proudly say not once did I feel the need to take any pain medication. I was fine. The results came back a week and and a half later from the surgery. The doctor managed to remove the lump and some area around the lump (to be on the safe side) and the cancer had only spread to one lymphoid. However I have to admit at the time all I could think of was the doctor telling me I would need chemo. She said even if the cancer had not spread to any lymphoids I would still need chemo. Since the cancer is the kind that can spread I needed chemo as a preventative measure to ensure that if there were any lying dormant the chemo would kill it off. As the days passed I slowly discovered how lucky I was that it was only in one lymphoid. Very lucky. I enjoyed Christmas and New Year's and looked forward to seeing the backend of 2005 and the beginning of 2006.
January
I met with the oncologist on Jan. 5th and found out more about my treatments and side effects. I am to receive 8 treatments every 3 weeks, then a month of "rest" and then my radiation treatments. My chemo would begin Jan. 11th. I was scared, scared to think how my body would react to the chemo. Would I be sick? Would I be tired all the time to the point of not being able to get out of bed? What side effects would I have to go through? It's scary when you just don't know and it's only natural that you immediately think of the negative. However the beauty part is they give you pills to help you and you know what I learned the hard way that you MUST take them because they are there to help. I learned that I can't work my way through the nausea. This isn't the same as a hangover or trying to work your way through air or car sickness. You can't work your way through chemo nausea. I sailed through my 1st treatment at the hospital and felt fine. My first mistake was to have one of my mom's big dinners. My second mistake was trying to work my way through the nausea and not taking a pill when I started to feel a tiny bit queasy. I spent most of the night fighting it and throwing up. But now I know for my next treatment. I recognize the signs my body is sending out and I'll never ignore them again. I was fine the next day although not 100%.
On January 14th I decided to take control once again and have my hair buzzed off. I knew and was told my hair would fall out by the 3rd week and rather than seeing it everywhere and freaking out I wanted to be in control of how I would look NOW. I admit I was upset the night before about saying good bye to my hair but then I realized that I was actually getting rid of my "cancer" hair. After that I was fine. The wonderful hair dresser who sold me a wig a week before was incredible with me. I was in a private room and she took her time. I laughed when I saw myself. I looked like either my dad or a Tibetan monk. My wig looks like it was made for me. My co-workers know about the cancer but not everyone in the other departments. They all think I went out and got a haircut. Beautiful, that's exactly the reaction I wanted when I bought the wig.
As of today...Jan. 29th my hair is coming out in "clumps". I am so thankfully I went ahead and had it buzzed off. I know that by next week I will be bald. Will I be upset? I probably will be but I look at it this way...it's just another part of the process I must go through. I allow myself to cry when I need to release it but then I feel better and carry on with life. I continue to go to work, I've been lucky. I haven't missed a lot of days. In the past work has been a place I wanted to avoid but now I see it as a place which keeps me busy and reminds me that life does continue. I refuse to take sick leave and do nothing. To me that is allowing the cancer to win. I'm a fighter and by being a fighter I will be a survivor.
I have an incredible network of friends and family that have surrounded me with amazing amounts of energy and strength. I have a husband that has never left my side and has been so supportive. I am very lucky indeed. I truly believe that one's attitude affects the outcome. Throughout this whole process even with the bad news, deep down I have always felt and continue to feel like I will be just fine. Hair grows back, I don't really care if I have scars from surgery, and there must be a purpose to what I am going through. Maybe it's to help someone else, maybe it's a wake up call. Whatever it is I look forward to the future and a healthier me.
November
This was the worse month of my life. In the beginning of November while taking a shower my inner part of my upper right arm brushed against my breast I was scrubbing my neck. I felt something, something that didn't feel right. I found a small lump and I knew right away it was cancer. I've had cysts before and this felt different. My instincts were telling me something was terribly wrong. I made a doctor's appointment the next day and thus began my emotional roller coaster ride. She felt it was fibroids because it was just before my period, I had no family history of breast cancer and only 8 months previously I stopped breast feeding. Everything was in my favour. But to be on the safe side I was sent for a mammagram and ultrasound. A few days later the results came back and it looked "suspicious" and I was sent for a biopsy. My doctor still felt I would be fine. I knew in my heart it was cancer. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did after my doctor told me the the results. I knew when I was called into her office the results were positive. She told me to cry as much as I wanted, to get angry, to feel sorry for myself all weekend but as soon as Monday arrived I had to get ready to fight this. I had the most common type of breast cancer that is found in the milk ducts. However mine had the potential of spreading so the sooner I saw the specialist the better.
Within the week I met my specialist and my surgery for a lumpectomy and possible lymphoid removal was booked for December 12th. I would know the results before Christmas. Perfect, I wanted to know before Christmas so that I could enjoy Christmas.
Before that time I booked sessions with my yoga instructor and friend - Maureen to receive reiki healing treatments and with my nauthropath - Bill. My ying and yang, my balance to keep me positive and focused in fighting this disease. After all my crying I decided the only way to beat this thing was to think positive. I cannot tell you how much they have helped me and continue to help me. I'm convinced I healed quickly because of them and their influence on me. I began to develop a calmness that continues to help me.
December
I had a rough time coming out of general anaesthetic. I threw up in recovery so they gave me something for the nausea which made me too dopey. Then the nurse asked if I was in pain. I said no but she gave me morphine anyway. So having all three foreign and unwelcomed drugs in my body made me feel like shit and weak. This was day surgery but I'm sure I came close to staying overnight. I was determined to get out of there that night. The longer I stayed in the hospital the worse I felt. After coming home I had a rough couple of hours but after realizing any type of food or drink wasn't such a good idea for my stomach I started to feel better.
I had a drain and by Friday it was removed. I was healing well. I can proudly say not once did I feel the need to take any pain medication. I was fine. The results came back a week and and a half later from the surgery. The doctor managed to remove the lump and some area around the lump (to be on the safe side) and the cancer had only spread to one lymphoid. However I have to admit at the time all I could think of was the doctor telling me I would need chemo. She said even if the cancer had not spread to any lymphoids I would still need chemo. Since the cancer is the kind that can spread I needed chemo as a preventative measure to ensure that if there were any lying dormant the chemo would kill it off. As the days passed I slowly discovered how lucky I was that it was only in one lymphoid. Very lucky. I enjoyed Christmas and New Year's and looked forward to seeing the backend of 2005 and the beginning of 2006.
January
I met with the oncologist on Jan. 5th and found out more about my treatments and side effects. I am to receive 8 treatments every 3 weeks, then a month of "rest" and then my radiation treatments. My chemo would begin Jan. 11th. I was scared, scared to think how my body would react to the chemo. Would I be sick? Would I be tired all the time to the point of not being able to get out of bed? What side effects would I have to go through? It's scary when you just don't know and it's only natural that you immediately think of the negative. However the beauty part is they give you pills to help you and you know what I learned the hard way that you MUST take them because they are there to help. I learned that I can't work my way through the nausea. This isn't the same as a hangover or trying to work your way through air or car sickness. You can't work your way through chemo nausea. I sailed through my 1st treatment at the hospital and felt fine. My first mistake was to have one of my mom's big dinners. My second mistake was trying to work my way through the nausea and not taking a pill when I started to feel a tiny bit queasy. I spent most of the night fighting it and throwing up. But now I know for my next treatment. I recognize the signs my body is sending out and I'll never ignore them again. I was fine the next day although not 100%.
On January 14th I decided to take control once again and have my hair buzzed off. I knew and was told my hair would fall out by the 3rd week and rather than seeing it everywhere and freaking out I wanted to be in control of how I would look NOW. I admit I was upset the night before about saying good bye to my hair but then I realized that I was actually getting rid of my "cancer" hair. After that I was fine. The wonderful hair dresser who sold me a wig a week before was incredible with me. I was in a private room and she took her time. I laughed when I saw myself. I looked like either my dad or a Tibetan monk. My wig looks like it was made for me. My co-workers know about the cancer but not everyone in the other departments. They all think I went out and got a haircut. Beautiful, that's exactly the reaction I wanted when I bought the wig.
As of today...Jan. 29th my hair is coming out in "clumps". I am so thankfully I went ahead and had it buzzed off. I know that by next week I will be bald. Will I be upset? I probably will be but I look at it this way...it's just another part of the process I must go through. I allow myself to cry when I need to release it but then I feel better and carry on with life. I continue to go to work, I've been lucky. I haven't missed a lot of days. In the past work has been a place I wanted to avoid but now I see it as a place which keeps me busy and reminds me that life does continue. I refuse to take sick leave and do nothing. To me that is allowing the cancer to win. I'm a fighter and by being a fighter I will be a survivor.
I have an incredible network of friends and family that have surrounded me with amazing amounts of energy and strength. I have a husband that has never left my side and has been so supportive. I am very lucky indeed. I truly believe that one's attitude affects the outcome. Throughout this whole process even with the bad news, deep down I have always felt and continue to feel like I will be just fine. Hair grows back, I don't really care if I have scars from surgery, and there must be a purpose to what I am going through. Maybe it's to help someone else, maybe it's a wake up call. Whatever it is I look forward to the future and a healthier me.
posted by Spirit Strong @ 9:09 p.m.
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