Spirit Strong

Stay positive, have no fear and you can beat anything!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

The Sensation of Dying

I've been asked to elaborate on my previous comments about this feeling of "dying". It's difficult to describe the actual sensation but I will attempt to do the best I can to describe what I am feeling.

It certainly is a different feeling from my good days when the white cell counts are normal. My body does not feel the same. It's even different from the "pumped up with chemo" off feeling. This off feeling usually lasts the first 3-7 days of receiving chemo. Those days it feels like my body is not 100%. It's similar to someone with the flu or cold. Or when you know you're coming down with something.

This feeling of dying is completely different. It's not painful. I do not feel ill. This will sound strange but it's as though I can feel the cells in my body dying. It's a peaceful sensation. My body becomes "quiet" and I feel as though I do not have control over my body. My body is doing what it needs to do to kill the cancer while my spirit remains the same. I can feel the separation of mind and body taking place. A feeling of stillness takes over my body. At times I feel weak and almost "dark" like but it doesn't last long. This feeling of dying stayed with me for about 2-3 days. Now I feel like my old self, full of energy and light again.

How do I know I was actually feeling "death"? I cannot explain to you how...this is what I sense is happening to me. Well, let's face it - it IS what is happening to me. I didn't feel this until the 3rd round of chemo and I know as more chemo is getting pumped into my body I will feel it stronger and stronger. Does it scare me? No, not at all. In fact in an odd way it's a comfort because I know the chemo is doing what it is suppose to be doing. I know I have to go through this in order to be 100% healthy again. I look at it as a rebirth and in order to be reborn again the "old" me must slowly die. I look at it this way...the "new" me will be like a baby being born. I'll have my new, soft baby like hair, I will look at life with new wonder and awe, it will be the "first day of the rest of my life", and it will be a new beginning.

I know people will ask, "does this mean you are not afraid of dying"? I don't know the answer to that. Perhaps in some way whenever my time comes I'll remember this sensation of dying and relax about the end of this particular life. Or I may go the opposite direction and panic. Right now that is too far into the future for me. I can only live in the here and now. I think that is what we all need to do. Not waste our energies worrying about the far future, instead embrace the present with all the love, enjoyment, excitement and happiness that we can.


  • At 4:05 p.m., Blogger String said…

    Thanks for that, what a beautiful post, really beautiful in full sense of the word. I have 'felt' the sensation of dying, and I never know exactly what it means...are my cells turning over, are they dying in some sense? Initially it frightens me, but because I have felt it so often and it always portends a big change, and usually a very positive one...I just go with it now. You are actually feeling an induced 'dying' - and have a wonderful way of describing the process. That post alone has more life and hope in it than many I have read on blogs.

  • At 2:56 a.m., Blogger Yesterday's Queen said…

    You are amazing.



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