I'm Alright

Once again I'm using a song title from a favourite artist and it seems appropriate as this artist has been a symbol of strength for me.

Well my friends, my chemo treatments are OVER AND DONE with. Forever and forever I hope because the cancer will not return. That is what I am visualizing for the rest of my life. I had my last treatment yesterday. I'm in a stunned state. I'm emotionally exhausted as I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I'm adjusting to the lightness again. It's a good feeling and scary sometimes because in a sense the chemo was killing any dormant cancer and now the rest is up to me. They say it happens to chemo patients, that sense of panic that what had been "protecting" you is now finished. It took me a while to leave the chemo area. I had brought in cookies and this amazing thank you card I found for the nurses, reception staff and volunteers. I went around hugging those nurses who touched my spirit. I cannot believe how blessed I have been to have such an incredible health care group around me. In the card I wrote they had turned what had been a hard and negative experience into a positive one. I also told them they were all angels. All these people and their personalities fit the work they do and us as patients reap the rewards ten fold.

And now it is up to me. I need to continue to exercise, to eat healthy foods, to return to yoga and to continue to visualize. More than ever I need to be in tune with my body. I also need to change the way I look at life and how I handle situations. I used to get so angry so quickly. I'm sure I hurt people with my sarcastic sense of humour and foul mouth. I've done a lot of house cleaning in terms of saying good bye to negative people and making peace with those I became estranged with in the past. I've made my peace. What happened in the past is in the past now and forever. I have a lot to look forward to; my healing process, concerts, meeting new and interesting people, my new and improved life. I have much to learn and I welcome that. I know I'm not perfect but learning and evolving is part of life isn't it?

I know I have a tough road ahead of me. My life will never be the same. I will have to go through more tests, mammagrams etc... to keep on top of things and lots more doctor appointments. But I have to think that all of this is to protect me. I will have to start taking Tamoxifin for the next 5 years because my estrogen levels are high - the cause of my cancer. The two year wait and the Tamoxifin means I should not try to have another child right away. The first two years after cancer is where you are at the highest risk for the cancer returning. That would take me into my mid 40's. I know for some that is still not too late but for me it's a bit late to have more children. Also because the chemo stopped my periods in March I may already be in menopause. So I've resolved to accept this and be truly very thankful for having the opportunity to experience one child. Being pregnant and going through labour and delivery cannot be described to anyone, you have to go through it yourself. It's a beautiful experience and to be a mother is an undescribable joy. I feel incredibly blessed with the beautiful child I have now. Each day I thank the Universe for this blessing.

To my incredible, supportive and loving friends. I ask for time now. If I do not attend any upcoming functions please do not worry. Right now my priority is to recover from my last treatment which in fact is an accumulation of all 8 treatments and to spend quality time with my child and husband. Now that my energy levels will be returning I want to take advantage of that before the radiation zaps the rest of my energy. Please know that I am doing very well and I am fine. I just need some time before I see all of you at once, so needless to say I won't be coming to the July 1st party but I'm encouraging my husband to go just to get a richly deserved break from myself and our child and have fun without having to worry about me.

To my internet friends who are much more than that to me. I thank you for your support, love and healing vibes. You are amazing. I hope one day we can meet so that I can thank you in person. You have been a blessing in my life as well.

I still have to finish writing about my radiation treatments. I'll try to post information about that by this weekend.

For now I leave you with thoughts and song lyrics from Melissa Etheridge who also went through breast cancer. I saw a rerun of an old Oprah Winfrey show (I'm not a big fan of Oprah's but sometimes she can have very interesting guests on her show). By pure accident I had missed the interview with Melissa talking about her breast cancer experience however I was lucky enough to hear her sing this amazing song. I cried throughout the song. I ended up buying her greatest hits CD/DVD, "Road Less Travelled" and just love it.

I Run For Life
First appears on Greatest Hits Road Less Traveled (2005)

Written by Melissa Etheridge

"Ford asked me to write a song for their "Race for the Cure" initiative to raise funds and awareness for breast cancer charities. I wanted to write a song that was personal; climb into people's emotions and portray a woman who has had breast cancer but is out of it. The first verse is about a survivor. The second verse is from my own experience and the last verse is for those who have not been diagnosed or don't know anyone with breast cancer yet. We are all running for answers and to make the situation better."

It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

CHORUS

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend I run for life

It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I'm still learning the lesson
To waken when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

CHORUS

And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more

copyright Melissa Etheridge

"Shine your light on me..."

...that light I see at the end of the tunnel. The title is from a line of a song of a favourite artist of mine. He has been kind enough to send good wishes and love my way in my healing. I won't mention his name here as again a way of keeping my identity private.

Yes folks...I now have ONE more chemo treatment left. I hope the last I'll ever have for the rest of my long life. I don't like to start off in a negative way but I do have a complaint. The nurses used me as a pin cushion on Wednesday. The nurse who took blood from my hand blew my vein so I have a horrible bruise on my hand. Then the chemo nurse tried a different vein for the chemo drug, thought she had it but it wasn't drawing back the blood so she tried the favourite one. I now have a lovely bruise on the first attempt vein. *sigh* I look like I have been shooting up. The Taxol already causes me to bruise easily so you can imagine what my arm looks like. I am feeling tired but because of the Taxol, steriods and weight gain I can feel my blood pressure going up. My face is flushed and normally stays this way for about 4 days. I know it won't be for long. I am eager to start losing all this weight. Once I end my radiation treatments on August 2nd I can get to work on it. As for how I am feeling today. Again, tired and the there's a bit of numbness returning to my feet. I am trying to drink as much water as I can to flush out the chemicals from my body. Sometimes I can get a little lax about my water intake and it's so important to flush the system.

I've noticed new hair growth on my head but also loss, so strange. My eyebrows are thinning out but I always had sparse eyebrows to begin with so it almost looks the same. My eyelashes are still with me. It's so interesting to see how all these chemicals can affect each person differently. I asked the oncology nurse whether or not the doctor adjusted the amount of Taxol and Benadryl I was receiving. She said no however the first and last treatments of Taxol are the toughest to get through. In the first treatment your body is adjusting to this new drug and the last is the accumulation of all 8 different treatments. I was only running on 4 hours sleep the night before treatment and noticed during treatment my left leg started twitching again. This time it really bothered me so I got up and walked around for a bit. That did the trick. I felt fine yesterday and even met up with a good friend for lunch and shopping. I bought some clothes for my son and gorgeous wedgie rock and roll concert type shoes. It was so nice to spend time with a wonderful friend and have some fun spending money.

Now...I was supposed to talk about my appointment with my radiation oncologist and provide some information about radiation treatment. Since this post is already long I'll warn you that it's going to get longer so bear with me. I'm relaxed about the treatments because I already know quite a bit when I went with my dad for his appointments. If you're still hanging on here's the info:

Radiation Therapy

Let me start off by saying once again what a wonderful radiation oncologist I have and super nurse. I have been fortunate enough to have people who I've immediate clicked with. Not only are they easy to talk to but have a warm people skills. In all my appointments with all the different doctors they always refer to all the doctors I will encounter as my "team" and that I am part of this team.

"Radiation therapy is the use of a certain type of energy (radiation) from x-rays, gamma rays, electrons and other sources to destroy cancer cells. Other names for this common method of treating cancer are radiotherapy, x-ray therapy or irradiation. Radiation in high doses destroys cells in the area being treated by damaging the DNA in their genes, making it impossible for them to grow and divide. During radiation therapy, both cancer cells (which are growing in an uncontrolled way) and healthy cells are affected, but most healthy cells can repair themselves afterwards".

I will be receiving External Beam Radiation therapy where the radiation will be directed at the cancer and surrounding tissue from a machine outside the body. It is used to treat most types of cancer. This will destroy cancer cells that may remain. After my initial meeting with the radiation oncologist and nurse an appointment for my planning session (stimulation) was made in 2-3 weeks time. Again I'm going to quote from the info book they provided me because it describes it better than I could do.

What Happens at a Planning Session
"Almost everyone who has external beam radiation therapy will have a planning session before treatment can begin. The radiation therapist uses a machine called a stimulator to set up your treatment. A simulator is not a treatment machine. The most common type of simulator used in Canada is a CT simulator. It can take images or scans, which provide a picture of the area to be treated. These pictures help your radiation therapy team plan your treatment and decide how to direct the radiation to your body. You will need to lie very still during your simulation, which may take up to an hour. The process can be tiring.

Using the images as a guide, the radiation oncologist will start the plannning and the radiation therapist will often mark the area to be treated with a marker or with lines of dots in permanent ink. These marks are very important. They act as a map and will help make sure that the radiation is targeted at the same area each time.

In my case I was tattooed with freckle sized dots, as far as I can see I have 4 or 5 marks. These marks will be used for two things. They will help the team set up the machine and some other the other marks are where the actual beams will run through. They recorded numbers which they will used to set up the machine on my first visit. They even took pictures of how I was positioned and if they used a wedge under my neck etc... which they did. I even had a photo ID taken. They check my picture and me to make sure they are treating the correct person. Everything is very carefully done, it gives me a great sense of trust and confidence in my team. I started to panic a bit in the CT scan and normally closed in spaces do not bother me but I think because I knew I couldn't move I was struggling with that and how long it was taking. But I did fine and the kindness I received from everyone was great. At one point my breasts were exposed and didn't have to be at that moment. The radiation therapist quickly covered me up. The other person who was working with her was a male so I think she was always aware of how I must have been feeling. She kept asking how I was feeling and doing. How could I not relax with such a great group of people. I will go into more detail about the side effects in another post. Right now I need to shower and rest for a bit.

Stay tuned, more to come!