Halfway there

I received my 4th chemo treatment this afternoon and I can finally say I am halfway through my treatments. Four more to go! This treatment was delayed again. I was supposed to have this done last Wednesday but my counts were low again. To say I was upset would have been an understatement. I was angry having been told it would be delayed, I was angry at myself for not looking after myself better, and I was just angry at the world. I was frustrated at the fact my treatments were once again delayed another week. Once I allowed myself all these emotions I sat back and asked myself what went wrong and how could I take control of the situation again. I went back to regular exercising 3-4 times a week so it wasn't that. I could probably use more rest and the main factor was the fact I haven't been eating properly. I did some research about foods which build the immune system and had quite the awakening. I wasn't providing my body a fighting chance because I wasn't eating the right foods. So...in my eyes the Universe is once again giving me a smack to the back of my head and saying, "hey, looking after yourself means the whole package and that includes eating right!" I said to my mother-in-law today that eating right now means a healthy body in the future. I have to make changes now to prevent this from happening again. I know I do not eat enough fruits and vegetables and perhaps I just needed a rude awakening to get me to realize how important it is to look after myself. I've concentrated so much on my mental well being that I tend to forget about the body. I realize that now. I've learned a lesson these past few days. Message received.

Stay tuned, next treatment is a different type of chemo drug and is 3 hours in length. More info to follow soon.

The Sensation of Dying

I've been asked to elaborate on my previous comments about this feeling of "dying". It's difficult to describe the actual sensation but I will attempt to do the best I can to describe what I am feeling.

It certainly is a different feeling from my good days when the white cell counts are normal. My body does not feel the same. It's even different from the "pumped up with chemo" off feeling. This off feeling usually lasts the first 3-7 days of receiving chemo. Those days it feels like my body is not 100%. It's similar to someone with the flu or cold. Or when you know you're coming down with something.

This feeling of dying is completely different. It's not painful. I do not feel ill. This will sound strange but it's as though I can feel the cells in my body dying. It's a peaceful sensation. My body becomes "quiet" and I feel as though I do not have control over my body. My body is doing what it needs to do to kill the cancer while my spirit remains the same. I can feel the separation of mind and body taking place. A feeling of stillness takes over my body. At times I feel weak and almost "dark" like but it doesn't last long. This feeling of dying stayed with me for about 2-3 days. Now I feel like my old self, full of energy and light again.

How do I know I was actually feeling "death"? I cannot explain to you how...this is what I sense is happening to me. Well, let's face it - it IS what is happening to me. I didn't feel this until the 3rd round of chemo and I know as more chemo is getting pumped into my body I will feel it stronger and stronger. Does it scare me? No, not at all. In fact in an odd way it's a comfort because I know the chemo is doing what it is suppose to be doing. I know I have to go through this in order to be 100% healthy again. I look at it as a rebirth and in order to be reborn again the "old" me must slowly die. I look at it this way...the "new" me will be like a baby being born. I'll have my new, soft baby like hair, I will look at life with new wonder and awe, it will be the "first day of the rest of my life", and it will be a new beginning.

I know people will ask, "does this mean you are not afraid of dying"? I don't know the answer to that. Perhaps in some way whenever my time comes I'll remember this sensation of dying and relax about the end of this particular life. Or I may go the opposite direction and panic. Right now that is too far into the future for me. I can only live in the here and now. I think that is what we all need to do. Not waste our energies worrying about the far future, instead embrace the present with all the love, enjoyment, excitement and happiness that we can.

Medication Info

As promised here is the information regarding the type of chemo I am on and the medications used to help fight the nausea. I am hoping that the information I provide here will help someone out there in some way.

Chemotherapy Medication

Doxorubicin ("docs-oh-rube-i-sin) or Adriamycin

This is a red coloured solution for injection into the bloodstream. It's used to treat cancers of the breast, lung, bladder, endometrium, uterus and lyphomas. It is injected over a few minutes by the chemotherapy nurse. This process takes about 20 minutes.

Cyclophosphamide I.V. (sigh-clo-fos-fa-mide) or Cytoxan or Procytox

This is a clear solution for injection into the bloodstream. It is used to treat cancers of the breast, ovaries and lung, as well as lymphomas. It's important to have plenty of fluids before and after this treatment to avoid bladder problems. It's recommended to start before treatment for a total of 2-3 days to ensure you pass a lot of urine. This drug is hard on the bladder. This treatment takes about 20 minutes.

Anti-Nausea Medication

Granisetron (gran-iss-eh-tron) or Kytril

Dexamethasone (dex-a-meth-a-sone)

Prochlorperazine (pro-klor-pare-a-zeen) or Stemetil or Apo-Prochlorazine or Nu-Prochlorazine (my "as needed" pills).

My body has never been through so many drugs in my existence. I usually do not take a pill for a headache so you can imagine the shock my body is going through. Another affect of the chemotherapy is taking place now. My periods have stopped. My cycle should have started on March 1st and now it's the 6th and nothing so far. I'm feeling the odd hot flash that doesn't last long thank goodness. Oh joy. I've also noticed the past few days that I'm very moody. I haven't been a nice person so I'm trying at the moment to control that through relaxation and meditation.

Due to the way I have been feeling the past few days I started to think about something my nautropath said to me before I started chemo. He didn't mean it in a way to upset me but was merely making a true statement. I didn't take it the wrong way either. He said that chemo means the body is dying, I am right now going through a kind of "death". Again, this didn't upset me because it's true. My cells, both good and bad are dying. We are made up of cells. Some days I do feel like I am dying. I cannot describe to you why I say this or how it feels. It's more of my instincts kicking in again. So in my current state of dying (I do not mean this in a negative way but rather a renewal) I become a little philosophical about life and what I need to do for the new me that awaits in the summer. There is no need to become alarmed by what I've written I'm still positive it's just that the physical side is feeling tired. It's still all good when you think of the end results.