Five to Go!

As you can tell by the title chemo went as planned yesterday. It was nervewracking sitting and waiting for the blood tests results but thankfully my white cell counts came back at 3.8. Was time a factor? Or was it the exercising? Hard to say at this point but no more slacking off for this girl. I did go exercising yesterday morning before treatment as a bit of "insurance" but also to bring my energy level up. I always find that after working out I feel like I can do anything and everything.

My mother in law came with me to my appointment. I'm truly grateful that I've always had someone with me for every appointment and to have the wonderful support group that I have. I was told that I should never go alone to any appointment. Not only for support but also to catch any info that I may not remember later. I felt the usual nausea later in the evening but took my meds and went to bed around 9 p.m. which is highly unusual for me. I slept through the night and even had a nap this morning for about 3 1/2 hours. I probably needed to catch up on my sleep from Sunday. I only managed 5 hours because I was so stressed about Monday. I'm so glad to went as planned and now I only have one more treatment left of this type of chemo and I start the new treatment in April. I'll have the names of the chemo meds next post. Between the treatment and all the meds I have to take it's too much to remember all the names. I know it's important to list them here in case there are women out there who want to know the information. So I promise that I'll have them here next time.

I forgot to mention in my last post that I asked Dr. Russell about the hair growth that I thought I was experiencing and hoping that I wasn't imaging. She explained that was highly possible. She said every person is different when it comes to hair loss. Some people experience clumps of hair falling out while others lose all of it at once. With those who experience clumps of hair loss it just means that hair was growing at different stages on the head (which makes sense). It could be that in my case the new growth was happening just when the other parts of my hair were coming out. She said I may find that the new growth will fall out after this treatment or it may not. I said to her it's strange how I've lost most of my hair on my head, armpits and "down there" but not on my arms, face, eyebrows, eye lids, or legs.....great...now that I've jinxed myself. LOL. She said everyone is different and I may not lose hair there or I may lose it with the new treatment in April. She said sometimes the loss could also just be the hair breaking off rather than falling out and I've notice that some of that happened with me. Interesting how the human body works for different people. I've learned a lot these past few months. I think more of us need to be more in tune with our bodies and not to ignore what it is telling us.

Next post...information on the meds, stay tuned.

Still Six to Go

I had a bit of a set back the past couple of days. I had my blood work done and my appointment with the oncologist on Tuesday. Unfortunately my white cell counts were borderline at 1.3 and the doctors would like to see it at 1.5 to give the okay for chemo. So I didn't have my treatment yesterday. Dr Russell (who I just seemed to connect with immediately) was pretty confident my levels would go up by Friday (today). I asked her how long I would have to wait if my levels were still low on Friday. She said they would have me back in for Monday. The nurse suggested I should just come in on Monday instead of bouncing me back and forth. Dr. Russell asked me what I thought about this idea and I said to go ahead with Monday and at least that would give my body a few more days to build up my white cell counts. Dr. Russell didn't seem concerned about my levels. She said my white cells were probably coming back into that third cycle. I know that by the second week after treatment my white cell count goes down and that is when I am at my most vulnerable for infection. The funny thing is I just knew when I woke up on Wednesday that I wasn't going for treatment this week. I felt fine but there was a part of me that felt a bit off. I felt different than I did last time. Last time I felt great. Rita told me I would know and she was right.

I did a bit of research on the web yesterday to see what would increase my white cell counts. One of the interesting things I found is that exercise helps to increase it. I haven't been going to workout for 2 weeks now. My son was sick and then I caught his cold. So let's just say I was back at the club this morning and I feel 100x better. I'll go tomorrow and also the morning of (hopefully) treatment on Monday. Remember how I said in one of my posts that something was telling to join this exercise club and that the timing seemed right? This confirms it for me. Everything happens for a reason.

I'm disappointed that my treatments have been pushed back a week now but I know it's for the best and perhaps, now that I think about it, it was a wake up call for me to keep exercising because it is a major factor in my treatment and healing.

*fingers crossed* for me for Monday folks!

Physical Side

I've written a lot about the inner strength I try to maintain each day in my fight against breast cancer. It dawned on me the other day I haven't talked about my thoughts on how I look. It's important to talk about it because to a lot of women it is an important change in their lives. We hate to admit it but we all possess a certain sense of vanity about our appearance and believe me when something like this happens you really see another side of yourself.

My hair has always been something I have be associated with from the time I was a little girl. For the most part it's always been long and thick. I have had it very short many, many years ago but nothing to what it looks like now. You would think losing my hair would be the hardest part of my changes but I have always kept in mind that it will always grow back. So to be honest while I did cry many times about it on the whole I don't mind that it's not there any more. I wish I could get comfortable about the idea of walking around in public without a wig but my comfort level isn't at that point just yet. The wig is off my head as soon as I step into my home and I have no problems looking at myself in the mirror but I'm too self conscious to go without my wig. Weird thing is I don't mind walking around minus the wig around friends if they are comfortable seeing me without it but strangers are a different matter. I know that sounds strange and why should I care about the opinion of someone I don't even know. I can't explain it.

As for my body, I know it can be very hard for women to adjust to how their breast looks after a lumpectomy but again that was never important to me. My main focus has always been to keep a healthy, positive mind and that would lead to a healthy body. My breast definitely looks different and I will never look the same again. I have a 2 inch scar across my breast which has changed the appearance of my breast. I also have a 4 inch scar under my under arm area. These scars are obvious and anyone would be able to figure out what I had done if they were to see the scars. They are my constant reminders of what I fight every day. My reiki healer/yoga instructor said I should think of them not as a negative reminder but rather as a reminder of how far I've come and that I've conquered so much. She's right. I did have my moments where I looked at myself in the mirror without my hair and at my scars and I thought, "Frankenstein, I remind myself of Frankenstein". But then I laugh and continue on because I know in my heart that my body is only a shell that holds my spirit. Maybe my attitude has a lot to do with the fact I have a wonderful husband who isn't concerned about the changes my body has gone through. He has been able to look beyond that and is comfortable about how my body looks now.

Other changes are happening as well. I noticed after my first chemo treatment my thumb nails are changing colour. They are turning dark. I was alarmed by their appearance and had the oncologist look at them but it's all part of the side effects of treatment. My skin is dry and I've noticed my mouth is more sensitive to spicy food. Another side effect. I keep reminding myself it's only temporary and I just have to live with it until I'm done all my treatments.

I've had to struggle with a cold I caught from my son. Thankfully nothing too serious. Just a runny nose and a bit of a cough. I think I am coming to the end of it now. I'm hoping I'll be over it in the next day or two. I just hope I can continue with my 3rd chemo treatment next Thursday and that this cold isn't a set back. I have to admit catching a cold is a scary thing for me now because I run the risk of it becoming more serious (infection) and that means hospitalization and anti biotics through an IV. My body is fighting enough right now and I can't afford to get sick.

Anyway, that's the latest on me this week but before I end this post there is something I want to mention about the physical changes. A few weeks back I attended a workshop called, "Look Good Feel Better". It brought together women who were going through chemo and we learned how to apply makeup, how to take care of our wigs/scalp and skin and the changes which were going to happen to our bodies. We received over $300 worth of free cosmetics and had a night of fun and laughter. By the end of the night we felt and looked fantastic. I don't know if a workshop like this is available in the States or overseas but I highly recommend it. I have a link to the website on my links page so please check it out and let others know about it.

Until next week then, stay well.

Hair Loss

Well, it's finally happened. After taking a shower this morning I only have about 1% of my hair left. Quite frankly, I don't look that bad. LOL. Although I look as though I should be at an airport with a tamborine singing, Hare Krishina, Hare Krishina. I thought I would cry when I saw myself in the mirror but I didn't. The itching has ceased since I have very little hair falling off now so that's a good thing. My head is cold and I can't stop rubbing it. My cancer hair is almost gone and it should be interesting to see what my new hair will look like after I have finished all my treatments. I've been told it grows back baby fine which makes sense it'll be brand new hair just like a baby's. My scalp is lighter than the rest of my skin colour which makes it look odd but you see that with guys who have their heads shaved anyway. With my long hair it used to take me 30 minutes to shower and another 10-15 minutes to dry my hair. After getting a brush cut it only took me 15 minutes to shower. Can you imagine how short of time it'll take now? I'll be out of that shower in a flash! There are some perks to all this!

I've noticed I'm feeling more tired than the last treatment but I think there are other factors involved this time. The first being, I started my period the day of chemo so I'm sure I must have a low iron count. The second is that my son was home sick on Friday with a cold and a bit of a temperature. I decided to stay home with him. I think having him home alone and running after him only after two days since treatment had an impact on me. I also have to keep in mind the more chemo I receive the more chemo is going into my system. I also went exercising on Saturday morning so I'm sure that didn't help matters. That is the one thing I really want to keep doing. They say exercising is one of the best ways to fight cancer. I truly believe I was meant to join when I did. Talk about irony, when I joined this club they had a special offer. In lieu of the $199 administrative/setup fee all you had to do was donate any amount to the Breast Cancer Society. I took all of this as a good sign, as though someone was saying to me all this was to benefit me in the future. My doctor has been telling me to join some sort of exercising program for years. Every time I workout I think of every breath as my way of punching and defeating this disease. I get stronger with each push, pull, kick, and jump. I love the women who are there at the time I normally go as they are in different age ranges and have such a wonderful spirit of life in them. All of it does my soul good. Funny how your life seems to work out so well at the right time. Makes you wonder doesn't it?

Two Down, Six To Go!

This second treatment was definitely better than the first. I only had to wait 20 minutes in the Chemo waiting room for my treatment compared to the 2 hour wait last time. My body still felt queasy later in the evening but I took the anti nausea pill early and then one before bed time and I was able to sleep through the evening. However I couldn't sleep in our bed and had to sleep sitting up on the couch to curve the nausea. I spent today at my parents and felt better so I did three loads of laundry, had lunch and took a 2 1/2 hour nap in the afternoon. I'm planning on going back to work tomorrow as I did before.

I saw the woman I've been talking to the past few times who was also going through chemo - Rita. She's been valuable to me for info, sort of keeping me informed of what is to come. She's been an inspiration as well. She was called in for her last treatment only after 5 minutes of talking to her and I felt desperate after she left because I didn't have a chance to ask her for her phone number. But then I thought, "I'm sure I'll see her again and I'll have that opportunity". Sure enough after the end of my treatment we saw her by the front doors waiting for her husband to pick her up so I managed to get her phone number. I asked her if she would mind if I could call her if I had any questions and she said, "I don't mind but I don't know if I would be any help". I said to her she's already been a great help for me. We hugged, she wished me luck as I did her and said we would speak soon. I truly believe our paths crossed for a reason and it would be nice to continue that relationship. She seems like such a special person. After talking to her I have come to realize how important it is to talk to other women going through the same thing. It's a comfort and reassurance that we can conquer anything and strength, hope, and faith are the key factors in this battle. Faith can mean different things to different people. For most people it's religion for me part of it is my Buddhist faith but a majority of it is my belief in myself. If I don't believe in me then how the heck am I expected to even get out of bed every morning? To believe in myself I have factors that help in this and the first is the love of my family and friends, second - music because it feeds my soul and makes me feel alive, and third - my love of life. I am truly grateful to have and be aware of all these because they are my fuel for my spirit and what keeps me positive every day.

Next treatment is scheduled for Feb. 23rd at 11:15 a.m. Stay tuned!

Chemo treatment #2

I have my second round of treatment today at 1:30 p.m. I'm not as anxious or scared as I was with the first treatment. I had these feelings because of the unknown terroritory my body was about to venture into. Now I know how my body will react and I feel more relaxed about things. I'm sure this will help because I'm positive that my fears were part of the reason why my body reacted so violently to it that night.

I had an appointment yesterday with the oncologist and had blood work done. This blood work was to see where my levels (white cell counts I'm assuming) were and if they were fine I could continue with today's treatment. Funny how you adjust because I panicked for a moment yesterday. I thought, "wait a minute what if my levels are unacceptable?? They better be good because I want to receive treatment tomorrow!!" Meanwhile over a month ago I dreaded the thought of receiving chemo.

When I took my shower this morning and began to wash my hair I could feel large amounts of hair coming off my head and sticking to my hands. I kept my eyes closed the whole time because I didn't want to get upset. When I finished I prepared myself and opened my eyes. There was a huge chunk of hair on my left foot. I was grateful I had all my hair buzzed down to a brush cut a few weeks back. My head felt cold. When I stepped out of the shower I slowly looked into the mirror. I could see parts of my scalp. My reaction? I was half laughing and half crying. I have my moments but I allow myself to cry and then I carry on. To be honest with you I am looking forward to being bald. I think this is the worse part of this hair falling out stage. It's everywhere and you're itchy all the time. It's driving me crazy! I'm sure by my next shower I will be bald and if not then by the 3rd shower. A friend of mine made a comment on how amazed she is at how I'm dealing with the hair loss and how I'm joking about it. In my mind I know it's going to happen/is happening and what else can I do but laugh about it. It's just all part of the whole process to that road of healing. I truly believe each part of this whole thing is a test one has to pass. It's not meant to make you weaker but to make you stronger. It's certainly a true test of how much you believe in you.

You may have noticed I have made this blog anonymous. I've not mentioned any names or who I am. Part of it is my wish for privacy. I'm spilling out a lot of personal thoughts onto these pages and while I know a lot of you know me already there are people out there I'm not close to and do not wish that they know my business. The other reason is that I feel any stranger reading this and is going through what I am can read this and get a true sense of my inner thoughts without any preconceived ideas interfering with that. I'm hoping that I can somehow help anyone who is diagnosed with cancer by letting them know that there is a positive side to all of this and that is life itself.