Spirit Strong

Stay positive, have no fear and you can beat anything!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Whine time

Okay, I've come to a decision. I rather go through the nausea than the muscle aches and pains. Yes, I've gone through child birth and even that looks better. Even though my symptons now are not as severe as my first Taxol treatment the discomfort I'm feeling is annoying. I feel as though someone as beaten the shit of of me. I move slowly, my feet hurt, my legs hurt, water tastes like tin, I'm gaining weight from the steriods, I feel uncomfortable from the weight gain, I'm tired of wearing the wig, I'm emotionally tired and this whole thing is out of character for me. I normally do not whine this much when I'm in physical discomfort but I feel like the kid who keeps getting poked with a stick after being beaten up. I've had enough. There....that's all I needed, just a few minutes of your time out there to listen to me release it all. Thank you.

I know I have two more chemo treatments left and I think when you see the end of all it near you tend to get a little more impatient. The chemo will be over with soon but radiation begins three weeks after and then there are the follow up appointments, hormone treatments etc...etc...etc... I have a 6 month follow up appointment coming up in June with the surgeon. Can you believe it will be 6 months soon?? I am nervous about it and I'm sure every follow up appointment will bring with it some anxiety. The cancer returning is always in the back of one's mind but all I can do is trust my instincts and my instincts say I will be just fine. Fear has a funny way of creeping it's way back in when your defences are down.

So...with my whining out of the way I'll talk about what I have to look forward to: being cancer free, MY HAIR, eating sushi, drinking the occasional glass of wine, losing weight, getting into shape, going back to yoga, normal looking finger nails, not have to worry about catching other people's colds or worry about cutting or bruising myself and most importantly GETTING ON WITH LIFE ITSELF!

So on that note I feel much better and I'm off to enjoy the rest of my Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mums out there!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Two more to go!

Yes, indeed I only have two more chemo treatments left. *tired smile* I wanted to write about what happened to me after treatment five but I was just too wiped to sit and write a proper blog entry. I also have to talk about my appointment with the radiation oncologist and any info. However the Taxol hit me two days after receiving it and it hit hard. I did experience muscle aches and pains. The first was stomach cramps, then menstrual type cramps, diarrhea and then the numbness in my feet. I felt the most aches and pains in my feet. It felt as though someone was squeezing my feet and that my toes were going to explode. At times it was hard to walk so I gave in and took Tylenol 2s and it seemed to help. I am still undecided as to whether I prefer going through the nausea then this. At least the nausea only lasted a couple of days. The numbness of my feet pretty well stayed with me. Although by the time this next chemo treatment came around I only felt it in a couple of toes.

At my doctor's appointment on Tuesday I went through all my symptons and also asked for a prescription for Ativan to help me sleep the first 4 days. The steriods only allow me 2-3 hours sleep when I am taking them. I try my yoga relaxation/mediation techiques but I cannot relax enough to allow myself to drift off. My eyeballs just want to open very wide and I cannot shut my mind off. It's very frustrating. I took my first Ativan last night and I slept right through the night. Heavenly. I'm positive my Benadryl and Taxol amounts were adjusted this treatment due to my reactions. The Benadryl didn't make me feel as drowsy as last time. In fact I didn't feel the need to sleep. I also did not get the leg twitches. I also did not get the horrible stomach or menstrual cramps which happened asap during the treatment. I had a light dinner of rice and a small piece of salmon and started to feel a little stomach cramping but it quickly went away. I'm so relieved because last time I curled up into a little ball whenever the cramping started. I learned quickly that I had to eat bland (no tomatoes or oranges which I love) and in small quanities throughout the day or else I would get the cramping and diarrhea. It became so bad I didn't feel like eating. Of course all this was happening on one of the busiest weekends for me. I had loads to do for my son's birthday party so I was going non stop. So it certainly didn't help not getting any sleep on top of all the physical side effects of chemo.

I am currently reading a wonderful, light book I borrowed from my library. It's called:

"Breast Cancer There and Back: A Woman to Woman Guide" by Jami Bernard

Jami is a breast cancer survivor so this is written from experience. It's simple to follow and she doesn't scare the bejeebees out of you. She takes you from the beginning, what to expect etc.. If this gives you some idea a couple of her chapters are titled: "Chemo 101" and "Radiation 101" She talks about what to expect and what you can do to ease the side effects. The book is informative but light and her sense of humour comes through. She talks about her fears. It's a wonderful book and I wish I had started reading this before beginning treatment. I find myself reading it and nodding in agreement in what she is saying. I said to my best friend yesterday that she should read it as a bit of background information and to get a better understanding from another perspective rather than my thoughts.

Next Wednesday I have the appointment with the radiation oncologist (Barbara Strang). This is where I'll go through the CT scan so that they can accurately pin point the markings on my breast for the radiation beams. I'll have little permament tattoo markings but who cares really. I already have 4 tattoos so what's another few more. It's a good reminder for me on how much I've conquered. I told myself the other day that I cannot look at the Cancer Clinic as an enemy. In fact it's my saving grace. It's helping me to extend my life and it's helping to me by giving me a wake up call on how I wasn't looking after myself properly. I was already shortening my life long before the cancer made an appearance. The Universe is giving me a second chance and I do not intend on wasting that gift.

I will try to catch you all up to date about the radiation side of all this after my appointment. I've been home computerless the past week as my old CPU was dying a slow death. But now with a new CPU I'm all set to go now. More info to come soon!
Thanks to all for your words and support, you are all a precious gift to me.
:-)